Life in the Trenches. Or something.

A/N: This is not me passively-aggressively begging for money. This is me venting, hardcore.

I had a very bad day yesterday. I woke up mad at GuestDog, because she barked at the mail carrier and woke me up. Which she has done every single day she's been here, except Sunday. I love GuestDog, but I'm getting really cranky about the rude awakenings every day.

I found some decent clothes and went out and mowed the back lawn, then took a long shower. It wasn't what I wanted to do, which was break things or throw furniture, but it was something. The physical worked off some of my prickly energy, and the shower helped ground me some - scrubbing every inch of myself is pretty mindless, but also reminds me where the numb spots are, gives me something specific to think about. And I can listen to a playlist on my Kindle.

I may yet need some Angry Girl music tomorrow (as in Wednesday, because Tuesday hasn't ended for me, yet), but even if I do, I will already be better than today. Listening to Breakfast Club and Blast From the Past and Contact in the background while I did other things helped. A lot.

My depression is very "angry at myself" based. I'm angry at too many things, but not all the time. I get angriest when I get overwhelmed, when I feel like I'm failing, when everything just seems to be coming at once.

I had reached out to a local woman, asking her basically if I could pick her brain about business, since she owns one or two and is successful, and because of my miswired circadian rhythm, I fell asleep yesterday morning instead of staying up for her call. So being awakened by the dog barking at the mail carrier, me looking at my phone and realizing I'd slept through something important, something meant to help make this new direction in my life easier, was just that little bit too much.

Money is a thing for me. I grew up in a household where we never talked about money. That was Mom and Dad stuff, and none of our business. I knew we were poor, though things got easier by the time I got to high school, but I had no idea how my parents made ends meet, or if they didn't. I seriously wish my school had taught some kind of budgeting or living on your own for real class, because reality was a big surprise. I was one of those, "But I still have checks left, what the hell do you mean, I don't have money?" And I'm good with numbers. Gah.

Anyway, money's always a sore spot for me. Even if everything else in my life is going relatively well, not being able to take care of my own basic needs makes me feel like a huge failure. That is where I am - too many things coming down at once, with little income in the foreseeable future. Everything costs money that I need now, not in two months - my meds, food, a storage unit I'm desperate to get out of (we've even made room in the garage), bus rides, EVERYthing. And the bank decided my "extended" overdraft (all $30 of which is fees, which is completely asinine) was extended enough to close my account. So I'm in a really hurty "What kind of fifty-year-old woman can't take care of herself? How can you be such a failure?" place. My worst critic truly is myself.

Money failure always hurts more, pokes harder at my self-esteem, and sometimes, like yesterday, it makes me very angry. At myself. At my brain that refuses to go to sleep at anything approaching a reasonable hour, and equally refuses to awaken early enough for me to get anything done with requires leaving the house. If I want to leave the house, I have to simply stay up. Going to sleep isn't an option.

I honestly have no clue how I functioned all the years I was a single parent, except that it involved three or four hours of sleep a night and about five alarms in different places in the room. And out of the room, sometimes. And a kid who didn't get to school on time, sometimes.

Anyway, this one was especially dark because over the last week, I have come up with a fantastic idea for taking my editing to a new level, and it WILL change my life. I have absolutely zero doubt. I can feel it, deep inside my soul. The energy is changing. And I was am so excited about it.

And then, I get a day like yesterday, and it makes my usual depression feel like a stubbed toe.

I think of all the things I "have" to have money for, and it just seems hopeless. How do I go to my doctor appointment in two weeks, and pay a $5 copay, when I don't have the $5 to get on the bus to even get there? How do I send in my med mail order when I no longer have a bank account to give them the debit card number for? How do I find a way to pay for that storage unit, and for a way to get those belongings here, when I have neither the money for the storage place, or a vehicle with which to move the stuff? How do I buy the things I'm going to run out of tomorrow, which are part of my fairly strict diet, when I don't even have a frakkin' quarter to put in the buggy at Aldi, even if I had a way to get there.

I'm just so frustrated and angry and when my brain does this, it sucks the energy out of me and makes everything I do that much harder, that much more painful.

I think in my next life, I want to be a butterfly. I'd start out as a worm, hibernate, then get pretty for a few weeks, help flowers and trees have sex, and move on to whatever's after that. Yeah. Helping flowers and trees have sex. Sounds perfect.

BzzCampaign: Kroger dairy blends and Greek yogurts

As a BzzAgent, I get coupons or free products to try in exchange for providing my honest opinion about the product.  In this case, I got coupons, which I will gladly share, and a $10 Kroger card to be used to purchase the product.

I got into this BzzCampaign for Kroger's new dairy blends and Greek yogurts and used the coupons and my Kroger card to stock up on different flavors.  So far, I've only tried the Black Forest Cake, and I have to say that I was not impressed.  This was a flavor of dairy blend, meaning it's not yogurt and not completely dairy.  It also doesn't taste very good.  Not bad, but not good, either.  I've got seven other flavors to try, so keep an eye here for more first impressions.  It's got a strange lumpy texture, whereas my usual Yoplait is always smooth, except for the fruit in it.

Stuff That Happened

(original lj post 01/09/2013)
'Cause yeah, my brain is too tired to come up with something intelligent to call this.

Last week, landlord went to the movies with a friend on New Year's Day.  They came back about the time I was heading out the door because I was ravenous.  They decided they were sort of hungry, too, mostly for dessert, so we all went to the same place.  Oh, did I mention this friend was on the recovering end of sick?  You can see where this is going.  Yes, landlord and I both got sick, and apparently with something completely different from the friend, though I contest that is because our immune systems are already compromised and so we are handling it differently than she did.  Anyway, I'm still recovering, and doing the slightest little thing wipes me totally out.  Last week, I slept through nearly four entire days, and didn't turn my computer on for three of them.  Didn't turn my computer on at all.   That's sick, folks.  lol  

And yet, somehow I did some kind of time warping, because despite sleeping through nearly four whole days and more than half of the other days, I finished seven books and a bunch of short stories, only one of which was on my To Review list.  Yes, I purposely picked books to read that were just because I wanted to read them.

Anyway, now I'm down to exhaustion and hacking up a lung at inopportune moments.  And randomly feeling like I haven't eaten in weeks. ETA:  that frakkin' cough lasted until about a week ago, so it hung on a LONG time.  

Landlord talked to a friend in the medical community who says that there are three big viruses going around, one the flu shot kills dead, one the flu shot didn't plan for at all, and one GI virus that is extremely tricky and keeps coming back.  I'm thankful we got the one in the middle.  I have zero interest in any kind of GI virus, unless it means I get endless men in uniform for the next year, in which case?  Sign. Me. Up. 

Merry Christmas!

(original post on livejournal 12/25/2012)
Made it to my parents' house about three, which was my ETA, so yay for that.  Took about an hour, driving in the falling snow, but mostly just careful driving, not problems.  There is much construction, so getting to the right street coming from the east was a tiny bit of fun. 

My stepmother was very nice (which actually makes me uncomfortable) during my whole visit, probably because several members of the extended family were there.   It was weird but good to see my dad.  He looks healthy, which is on the good side, for sure.  I think I might've gotten two minutes of conversation out of him over several hours, so, weird there.

In a concession to others who would likely think I'd lost my mind, I wore sleeves and socks, and brought a jacket.  I was actually too warm in the house, and sought out the cold spots several times, so I could cool off.  I even went outside once and stood on the front porch.  When I was leaving, my sister tried to help me into my jacket, and it was comical to watch her face as I declined, because it would make me too hot.

Food was fantastic, quite as expected, and we girls set the table like a well-oiled machine.  We've had lots of practice.  Because there were eight people, we used the sideboard as a buffet, and only had eating dishes and gravy on the actual table.  Talk was desultory, with recipes and lottery scratch-offs and dogs and cats and work/school as topics of the evening.  Met cousin's husband, and he seems like a really good guy.  He's weird enough to fit right in with the family, and he obviously adores my cousin, so he's a keeper.

I got an unexpected gift from my parents (from stepmother, actually, but she always puts both names on them).  Anyway, it's a gorgeous moonstone pendant, and she insisted I wear it today.  Makes me wonder if it's been cursed or something.  lol  She talked about amethysts and insomnia, because she said she wasn't sure if she should invite me, not knowing what kind of schedule I keep.  I told her my sleep doesn't really let me keep a schedule, because I just never know when or if I'll sleep, or for how long.  Anyway, on to the amethysts, and then later in the conversation, I said that I thought my brain was just fucked up.  She agreed, and that was the meanest thing she said during my visit, and it wasn't even mean.  Anyway.

Stepmother had told me to pack a bag in case the weather got iffy, and she mentioned it again when I got there, but I reminded her I'd lived in Misery for five years, and had delivered pizzas in worse weather than this, so I would be fine to drive home.  Driving home was quite the adventure, though.  Just getting to the actual freeway took nearly ten minutes, because the freeway entrances are not marked until *right there* and so I missed more than one.  I left Bedford about 6:30, and by that time the sun was down and the roads were starting to cool off, so I drove home even more carefully than I'd driven over, and there were LOTS of idiots, both driving too fast and driving too slowly.  People had caromed off into the shoulder, one into a culvert, just sitting there with his lights on, about half a dozen accidents big enough to require professional assistance.  Luckily, because I've driven in Missouri winters, this was nothing, and I made it home just fine.  Took me an hour and fifteen, but I'd rather take my time and be safe than be impatient and end up a statistic.  Had one close call where the guy in front of me slowed down just as we reached a bridge, and I couldn't brake, because the bridge WAS iced over.  I had to change lanes and pray, but it worked beautifully and all was good for the rest of the trip.  The closer I got to Dallas, the less the streets were messed up, though by the time I hit my neighborhood, cars and buildings were covered with snow that had stuck.

Found out one of the cats, my favorite, had died a couple of months ago.  I asked about her after dinner, and my uncle told me that she'd died.  Thank goodness I was talking to him and not asking my stepmother.  She gets very attached to her animals, and that would have been a faux pas, for sure.  Wish someone had told me when it happened, though.

I'm glad to be back in my own little room - trying to determine if I should actually attempt to accomplish something, or just veg for the evening until I fall asleep.  At the moment, I'm voting for anything that takes me closer to sleeping, so things are unlikely to be accomplished. 

Happy Day!

(original post on livejournal 12/18/2012)
Well, you know, as happy as it gets in December.

The roast I put in the crockpot at 0530 is the best roast I ever made.  From now on, I will always make my roast from a brisket cut!  Plus, it was spiced just right, and the juice was just exactly the right thickness that it was good gravy without me actually having to make gravy.  I had to write down how I made it so I can do it again and again and again.

While I was enthusing over my fantastic roast, the mail came, and my BSG Season 3 from swapadvd was delivered!  I inspected the discs, and two might have to be taken somewhere to be run through whatever it is that smooths out the rough edges (so to speak), but the remaining six discs are pristine.  So I am now the proud owner through the end of season three, with only three questionable discs.  I'm in line for the two parts of season four, but I'm kind way down the list.  I did transfer enough credits from paperbackswap so I can get them, so it's just a matter of waiting now.

I have started using Dr Bronner's liquid soap in the shower (Hemp Almond) and it's making my skin smooth.  I like that.  And though it's kind of a strange thing to be happy about, I hardly even have to dry off after my shower.  Also, my dry skin itchies, which used to be pretty severe in the winter, have hardly made an appearance at all.

I feel asleep smiling last night because I happened to fall asleep during a particularly enjoyable John McClane moment during Die Hard 4.  Yes, I love John McClane and I don't care who frakkin' knows.  lol  I am so anxiously anticipating #5 in February.  I conned a friend of mine into seeing it with me for my birthday.  I figured it I asked now, she couldn't say there was anything else on her calendar.  :D

It is too bad that I don't know anybody who needs gifts wrapped.  The only part of the season I really enjoy is wrapping gifts.  Speaking of the season, I got an email from my stepmother, telling me that a cousin and her husband were coming in to town to visit her mom (my step-maternal aunt), and that I was welcome to come over for dinner.  That it would be good to see me.  My first thought was that she only thought it would be good to see me because it's been two years since she set eyes on me and maybe she just forgot that she doesn't really like me.  I am still debating whether or not I can handle all the negative snark aimed my way, or if I should just decline graciously.  It would be good to see my dad and my sister, and my aunt, uncle and cousin, for that matter.  I guess I should just suck it up and go, but gods I hate listening to her putting me down. 

ETA:  I did go to my parents' house for xmas dinner, and everybody except my parents were polite and interacted with me as if I were a person and everything.  My dad said about five words to me, including hello and goodbye, and my stepmother talked to me, was even nice, but avoided me as much as possible.  It was great to see my aunt, uncle, cousin and to meet cousin's hubby.  He's adorable!  And so smitten!

BzzCampaign: Kroger Private Selection - dessert

I am part of the Kroger Private Selection BzzCampaign on BzzAgent, and got coupons to try several Private Selection products for free, and to purchase others at $2 off.  (I could share the coupons, too.  Anybody want one?)

In addition to the ice cream bars I've already reviewed, I picked up Northern Spy Apple Crisp, using one of the $2 off coupons.  It sounded interesting, and I wanted to try something else that wasn't ice cream.

These mini-dessert bowls come two per package, and I guess I misread the package, because I thought there were four, and was disappointed when I opened it.  At the shelf price of $4.59, these are fairly expensive desserts, and I would not ordinarily pay that much - particularly when I can get an entire apple pie for about a dollar more.  Or, you know, make one.  lol

That said, the apple crisp was really good!  The spiced apple pie filling was perfectly seasoned and the crispy topping was just the right amount of crunchy.  With a small bowl of vanilla ice cream, I think this would make a really great dessert for a single or couple who want a tasty dessert without much effort.  And if your food budget is bigger than mine, then the price is probably reasonable.

This dessert gets a thumbs up from me!

BzzCampaign: Kroger Private Selection - appetizer

I am part of the Kroger Private Selection BzzCampaign on BzzAgent, and got coupons to try several Private Selection products for free.

When I was at the grocery store the other day, one of my selections was the mini-quiche appetizer.  There are nine per package, and the shelf price was $6.79.  Under normal circumstances, I would not pay that much for an appetizer, and consider that price to be much too high for a package of nine.

My package, when I opened it today, contained only eight.  Lucky me.  lol  Had I paid for this purchase, I would complain.

I prepared the quiches as instructed on the box, and let them cool a couple of minutes.  The crusts were pretty good - flaky but not crumbly, and didn't taste floury.  A good-tasting crust is hard to make.  So, thumbs up on the crust, Kroger chefs.

As for taste, they were good, but not great, and I wasn't really impressed.  The mushroom quiches were a bit overpowering.  I think they would have tasted better had the mushroom bits been distributed into the egg mixture, rather than all sitting at the bottom.  The spinach quiches had more spinach than egg, and though I like spinach, I didn't particularly like this flavor at all.  The florentine quiche was the best of the three, with a good balance of ingredients, spiced well (as in neither bland nor heavily seasoned) and was actually the most attractive visually.

All in all, this product did not make the cut, and I am not likely to repurchase them, nor can I recommend this specific appetizer to friends or family.

BzzCampaign: Kroger Private Selection

I got into the Kroger Private Selection BzzCampaign and got my BzzKit last week.  I was finally able to get to the store yesterday.  This not having a car thing really sucks!  My BzzKit included coupons for three free items as well as several coupons for $2 off those same items.  With the $2 off coupons at my local store, this leaves these items under $2 each.  Great deal!

Anyway, I had never been to this Kroger before, since I've only been here in the house a couple of weeks.  It was a very unfamiliar layout. 

I did manage to find the PS frozen appetizers and the frozen desserts, but this store doesn't carry the PS frozen pizza.  The manager who helped me said that this was a small store and didn't carry everything.  (I thought it was a normal sized store, so I'm afraid to see a regular store by her standards.)  I picked out my few groceries and my Private Selection items - Northern Spy Apple Crisp, ice cream bars (look at lot like Dove bars), and little tiny quiches, plus a couple of other items.  

When I got to the register, the girl had trouble ringing the coupons, and it turns out that I could not use all my PS coupons in one trip.  Talk about annoying.  The same lady manager came to the register to help and she's the one who translated the couponspeak for me, and took back the items I had chosen for which I could not use coupons on this trip.

So, Kroger wants me to try their items and review them, but won't let me buy them all in on trip.  Not very useful, guys.  And grrrr.  We can't all just bop on down to the grocery store three times a week.

I got home with the quiches, the ice cream bars and the apple crisp.  The ice cream bars are wonderful!  The chocolate coating is the right thickness and very crunchy.  I love those, and plan to use another coupon next time I'm able to get to the store, though I might have to find another Kroger.

I have tried the PS ice cream before, the actual ice cream that comes in cartons, and found it tasty.  Not as good as my favorite, but a good alternative and much less expensive, particularly at Kroger.

The Private Selection items are packaged differently, in black, and look more elegant than the traditional Kroger store brand items.  I'd like to see the PS selection include some spices, maybe, the more unique ones, and maybe things like special dips or spreads, maybe even hummus.

I'll report more after I've had a chance to try the other items!

<img src="http://img.bzzagent.com/image/privateSelection.jpg?Type=activity&Activity=3221553847&Campaign=4752798868&Uid=143335&token=932a9633509ed2cd2457c6342aaced01" alt=""/>

Things I've Learned

Spending a week in a hotel in San Antonio made some things clear.

I miss SA.  A LOT.

Though we've been making do here in DFW with On the Border for Mexican food, it's really not Mexican food.  I miss having good-tasting, affordable Mexican food just about on every corner.  

I miss TV.  A lot.

I am fat.  Fatter than I think I am.

Doing anything that requires walking is a thing of the past.  I just can't do it anymore, not without paying for it later in ways that are unacceptable.

Driving more than about an hour is extremely uncomfortable, and by the end of two hours, is painful.  Six hours in the car was really not a good idea. I'm thankful I built in an extra day to recover before the "festivities" began.  Driving back yesterday was a big ball of notfunatall.

I miss being the structure of life I had as a military dependent - maybe that's a childhood thing.  Knowing what's expected of me, what behavior is unacceptable in public, being among other who think nothing of standing for the National Anthem, rather than looking at me like I'm crazy (which I am, but what do they know?).

The idea of being homeless terrifies me, maybe as much as the idea of going to jail.

My stepmother really doesn't like me.  No, I mean really.  She said hi to me at the graduation, from a distance, and otherwise stayed a minimum of ten feet away and ignored me.   At least I got a hug from my dad.

Being "home" again has made other things clear. 

Clearing out the remainder of the apartment is going to take longer than I have.  I will end up tossing perfectly good things, or giving away things I want to keep (like my mother's writings), just to get everything out of the apartment by the end of April.

I am going to have an extraordinarily difficult time living alone, IF I have a place to live.

I don't really like living here and want to go "home."

I'm really, really depressed, and have doubts that I'll come out of this one sane, or at least as sane as I've been claiming up until now.

Got some things done yesterday

Sort of.  lol

I was awake a good part of the daylight hours yesterday, which is quite a switch from what has been the norm, lately.  I am, at 0751 on Saturday, still awake, from yesterday, so I'm less than hopeful that Saturday will be an awake during daylight kind of day.

I checked the mail, and got out of the house to use a coupon, because Mrs. Potatohead was still asleep and I was soooooo hungry.  I'd left it too late, and was unable to find any place open (that wasn't fast food), even on a Friday night.  Bummer.

I managed to forget the package I needed to mail, so it will have to go out today.

I spent a good bit of time in Mrs Potatohead's room, sorting laundry according to whom it belongs.  I think that'll make it easier to grab a basket or two and head to the in-laws for some quality laundry time.  That was quite some pile of laundry.  Five baskets worth, and two pillowcases full, not including the larger blanket items that Baby Potatohead has spit up on, or otherwise graced with his presence.  :D

Vacillated between listing my George Foreman grill on eBay or just freecycling it, and ended up freecycling it.  The new owner is supposed to come pick up the grill this morning, in about an hour.  I will be happy to have one more thing out of my house.

So many things run through my head - sell this thing? or freecycle it?  Package these items together by color and purpose, or just get rid of each thing individually?  I have so much stuff, and I'm feeling more overwhelmed every day by the prospect of divesting myself of nearly all my worldly goods by the end of April.   Doing it virtually unassisted makes me want to run away.

Time just flies.  In a smidge over 30 days, Mr Potatohead graduates from Air Force Basic Military Training, and in very short order, Mrs and Baby will join him at his new location.  I must have many of my belongings given away or sold by then, as I'll have no place to live at the end of April - family has been helping since June, and they are not willing to help when it's just me, so I must vacate the premises.  That's actually more than a little terrifying, and so I try to avoid thinking about what I will do when I have to leave this apartment.  Ignoring things has never really worked before, but I keep trying it, anyway.

I did find a job listed that sounds about perfect, and though I'm not confident that I can physically handle the stress of working, I'm applying anyway.  I can hope that if I am offered the position, they would be willing to make some accommodations for my increasing physical infirmity.  I would be indescribably glad to have some regular income, and it might make finding a room to let or some other roof-over-my-head easier.  I mean, who wants a moocher on their couch for months on end, right?

I'm hoping that I can manage to stay awake long enough to get Mrs and Baby and some laundry over to the in-laws, so that we can nap our way through a couple of loads of laundry, and come back with some clean clothes.  Clean sheets, in particular, feel so good, don't they?

Yesterday...I had a little breakdown

Despite my best efforts, I did not get to sleep before 9AM on Friday morning, and slept until about 4:30PM.   I set my alarm, but I don't remember hearing it go off.

Immediately upon waking and checking the clock, I knew I'd slept too late to get to the post office or to the bank or to the county tax office for my car tags.  Another day, wasted.

I went to the kitchen because I was hungry, and decided on something easy - mac n cheese.  As soon as it was done, I took a bowl to Mrs. Potatohead, whose immediate response was, "I'm not hungry."  For a split second, I was just thinking, I don't really care if you're hungry or not, I spent half an hour in the kitchen cooking, and you're going to eat this whether you like it or not, you ungrateful little snot.  The thought passed, but its embers of anger remained.

Back to the kitchen to get my own food.  Of course, being OCD, I must wash the dishes first, so that I don't have to come back and do them later.  I'm not really sure if that's OCD or laziness.  lol  I finish washing the pot (those damn noodles were sticky yesterday, despite a touch of oil in the water to keep them from sticking.  Reaching over to put the clean pot on the stove, I find a roach ambling along.  I kill it, but it kills my brain's appetite.  My body's still hungry, but my brain will not let me eat now.  I couldn't even finish my root beer, because I couldn't see into the can.  I mean, I have no way of knowing where that roach has been while I've been turned the other direction doing dishes.  Maybe it walked in my mac n cheese.  Dump the Clorox wipe into the trash.  Take the trash out the front door.  Put the mac n cheese into the fridge, even though I'll probably never eat it now.

Walk back toward my bedroom, well on my way to crying, and Mrs Potatohead comes out, asks me what's wrong.

Putting it all into words today, it just sounds silly, but yesterday, it really wasn't.  I cried about being in pain, and cooking food I now couldn't eat even though I was hungry, and not being able to pay the bills on my own, and not being able to do anything with my left arm without hurting it more, not being able to get out of the house and do anything, because nearly everything costs money I don't have, and I don't even remember what all else.  I told Mrs Potatohead the only thing going right for me was being gramma.  I was in such a bad place yesterday, though, that I didn't even want to hold the baby, for fear I would poison him with my depression.

Since being off all my meds, these breakdowns happen all too often for me.  I've never been an outwardly emotional kind of gal (I learned early that any emotion someone could see was an emotion someone could use against me), and not being able to control myself in front of people (even when that people is only my daughter) is humiliating to me.  (so, why am I blogging about it, you might ask)

During my little episode, I wondered how I was going to function without someone to help me dress, and get things out of the cabinet that I can't reach with my left arm being wonky, or lift something that is just too heavy for me anymore. 

Today, I'm still worried about those things, but they seem much smaller.  Yes, I cannot dress myself without help - and yes, it's just that I can't do my own bra.  The rest I have continued to be able to manage myself.  Yes, I cannot carry anything through the house without stumbling or nearly falling, so I just walk more slowly.

I read an email from someone the other day who talked about how much energy it takes just to roll over in bed, much less get out of bed and do something.  I can totally relate.  It's demoralizing.  And the physical inabilities are bad enough without adding depression on top of them.  At this point, for her and for me, it's all a vicious circle, with disability and depression feeding each other, so that I wonder if I'll ever get back my ability to function in the real world, and if I don't, how long can I keep living this way without really breaking?

As for why I'm sharing this, I guess I'm writing this, imagining that I'm writing in a journal no one will ever read until after I'm gone, and also hoping that what I say will let someone know that they are not alone in their struggles.  Maybe my struggles are not exactly like yours, but maybe there's some kernel that you can take with you into your day to make it better.  And maybe, I'm writing this as a form of prayer, asking the universe to help me tame this monkey on my back.  Maybe I just like to hear myself talk.

Apple-flavored pot...

roast. 

That is what I am eating.  Yes, at 2:30 in the morning.  The Potatoheads made it in the crockpot (their new one from christmas), and it's ready now, so we're eating it now. 

We are indeed a weird family.

Want the recipe?  I'll ask Mrs. Potatohead.

Personal update

More like health complaint update...  lol

My left elbow has been really hurting.  It's amazing how much I use my elbow to do simple things: pull up or push down my pants, get up from sitting down, lean when sitting or standing.  I can't really do any of those things lately without hurting more, which makes it very hard to do anything really.  Luckily, or unluckily, as the case may be, I've been sick and lounging around lazily in bed for most of the past week.  It still hurts to use my elbow to roll over or to read, but it's not as bad as trying to use it to get through a normal day.

My hemorrhoids have been acting up.  Ugh!  It's damn difficult to keep from scratching my butt constantly, even with hemorrhoid ointment.  Guess that's another thing I'll talk to a doctor about, someday.   And sorry for the TMI, but we've all got them, sooner or later.

We got approved for Food Stamps, and Baby Tatertot is on Medicaid, so financially speaking, things are a wee bit easier.  Still struggling to pay all the bills that someone else has been paying for the last six months, but I'm feeling like there's hope in there somewhere.

I've got quite a backlog of reviews to write, and just couldn't motivate myself to write a thing yesterday.   I'm hoping that I can get at least one written today, so that I can stop reminding myself what the book was about.  lol

We did get some more stuff rearranged in the living room, so it'll be easier to sort more and get more stuff out of here, which will make it easier to live in general.

I did pretty well on Amazon the last part of December and first week or so of January.  Mostly sold tarot decks, with a book or DVD thrown in every now and again to jumble things up. 

I have found enough incense, candles, books, rocks and other odds and ends to start a small store.  I am apparently addicted to owning weird stuff.  It'll be a challenge to let go of some of this.

Product Recommendation - Target Market Pantry

Where Target has Up and Up for its non-food items, their general-quality food items are packaged under the Market Pantry name.  Specialized foods are packaged as Archer Farms.

Today's item is Market Pantry ready-to-bake, break & bake, oatmeal, cranberry & walnut cookie dough.  I bought these on a whim, since I actually had a coupon for a different Market Pantry item.  I like oatmeal cookies, particularly oatmeal chocolate chip or oatmeal cranberry (I HATE raisins, just fyi).  I'm not necessarily a fan of walnuts, but I figured I could eat them in this combination.  They come in a flat package, much like other break & bake cookies in the refrigerated section.

The first few times I bought them, I ate them, one at a time, from the package, when I needed a 'sweets' fix.  Yes, I know, raw cookie dough is dangerous and sugar is bad for me.  Whatever.  I liked them like this, and bought a couple more packages.

On another whim tonight, I decided that I would go ahead and bake some, just to eat them the way Target intended.  I liked them better raw.  The cookies turned out a great brown color at about 25 minutes.  They stayed soft out of the oven a little too long, making me have to wait to put them on something that could go in the fridge, or put cookie pieces on the plate. 

When I eat oatmeal cookies, I like tasting the pieces of oatmeal in the cookie, and the texture those pieces give to the cookie.  These cookies don't have that texture, and I didn't taste any oatmeal pieces.  The cookies taste floury rather than oatmealy.  Though I do like them as a sweet fix in their raw state, I'll probably find something else now that I know the finished product doesn't taste like I want it to.

For a better oatmeal cookie product, try Nestle.  They make (or used to) an oatmeal chocolate chip cookie in a tube, that tasted good raw or baked into actual cookies. 

I bought these cookies myself and got nothing except the pleasure of eating them.

Product Review - Tropicana Trop50

This is another product for which I had a coupon.  I like juice, and like to try new ones, and in particular I like to try blueberry and pomegranate juice blends.  I tried the Pomegranate Blueberry version. 

Even with the coupon, I did not get my money's worth here.  The label claims 50% less sugar and calories, so even though it's juice, I should have expected lesser taste.  It does, in fact, taste like a low-calorie not-really-juice drink. 

Most of the juice contained in this blend is from juice concentrate, if that makes any difference to you, and it's sweetened with Reb A (Pure Via brand), whatever the heck that is.

I did not enjoy this drink, and will not be buying it again, even with a coupon.  The only positive was getting a nicely-designed carafe-type container with a wide mouth, which I can use repeatedly for making better-tasting juice from frozen.

I got nothing from this except the questionable pleasure of drinking something other than tap water.

Product Review - Archer Farms Traditional Bean Dip

I bought this on a whim.  I had a coupon for buying Target's store brand chips and salsa together.  I like their Archer Farms Organic Blue Corn Tortilla chips, and figured surely I could find a dip of some kind to try, and use my coupon all at the same time.

First, this is not the texture of any traditional bean dip I have ever had.  It's sort of a thick, chunky salsa in a bean base.  It's thick with five different kinds of peppers, and the medium is still a bit too hot for my taste. 

This particular dip comes in a 16 oz glass jar, and lasts through at least three chip sessions.  I'm down to nothing but bits of chips and still have some dip left in the fridge. 

This was pretty good, and I'll probably still skip in next time, in favor of something with a texture more like bean dip, or whatever I'm craving at the time.

If you like a thick, chunky, pepper-heavy dip, and don't favor making your own, I'd recommend you try this one.

I got nothing in return for this review, except the pleasure of eating my chips and dip.

Update: Kashi GoLean Crisp Toasted Berry Crumble

The cereal itself has an odd taste, not quite sweet, and it was mixed with bits of cranberries and blueberries.  Much of my little sample was crushed into dust.

I liked what wasn't crushed enough that I used my $3 coupon to get a full-size box - originally $3.99.  So, for 99 cents, I got a full box of cereal that I can really taste.

As I mentioned in the first post, I eat cereal dry, as a snack, or mixed with yogurt, the way most people eat cereal with milk.  The full-size box has many unbroken pieces, with more clumps, about the size of a large marble.  It's nice and crunchy, with a not-quite-sufficient quantity of berry pieces mixed into the clumps.  It's definitely a healthy alternative, with less sugar than say, Honey Nut Cheerios or Honey Nut Chex, both of which I love to snack on, and neither of which have berries.  I do love dried cranberries and blueberries, and that may have something to do with how much I like this cereal - I might not like it as much with another berry, or no berries at all.

On the down side, there is some kind of grit on the cereal that makes eating it with my hands messy, and leaves little mementos of itself on my bed, if I snack in my room.  This grit is unpleasant enough that I have to wipe my hands with a baby wipe fairly frequently, as it doesn't just lick off.

For the taste, Kashi GoLean Crisp Toasted Berry Crumble is a good buy with a coupon.  I wouldn't pay $3.99 for a regular size box of cereal, even the ones I love, like Apple Jacks and Froot Loops.  Did I mention I'm kind of a cheap girl?  lol  Anyway, as long as I can find coupons, I'll be happy to eat this.  I'm not going to go out of my way to find it, nor am I going to buy it without a coupon (at least not at that price).  However, it's filling and would make a great base for a homemade roadtrip trail mix.

Anybody want a coupon?  I have four for $1 off.

Vocal Point: In the mail

On Thursday, I got a sample in the mail from VocalPoint.

This time, it was Kashi GoLean Crisp! cereal, Toasted Berry Crumble flavor.

I have tried other Kashi food items before, and they've been hit or miss on my taste buds.  This cereal has a good ratio of dried berries in it, giving it a bit of chewy in among the cereal.  It's not the best cereal I've ever had, but it was good enough that I used a coupon to get more, so I could get a better idea whether or not I liked it.

I am lactose intolerant, at least when it comes to milk, and I eat my cereal in dry handfuls, as a snack, or mixed with yogurt in a bowl, so there is nothing but the cereal I'm tasting, in general.

Bottom line, give it a try.  I've even got a couple of coupons, if you want one.

Recipe - of sorts

I like chocolate chip cookies.  I like oatmeal cookies (with cranberries).  I love oatmeal chocolate chip cookies.  Betty Crocker has a bag mix for Oatmeal Chocolate chip cookies, and on a whim I decided to add some frozen cranberries.  Mmm mmmm mmmmmmmm! 

The cranberries added a touch of tartness to the cookie, keeping it from being too sweet, and the frozen cranberries made the cookies a little moister. 

I did try it with fresh cranberries - not so good.  They are too juicy.

5 3 1

The new Whataburger burger sounded really appetizing, so I had one.  I requested a regular bun.  Not a big fan of Texas toast.

It's pretty plain, just two patties, cheese, onion rings, pickles and some sauce.

It's supernummy.