Monday, October 24, 2011

State of Mind

Depression has been a part of my life for so long, I don't remember how to really be happy.  With or without medication, my depression runs in cycles, from just generally depressed to really, really depressed.  Kind of like my own special version of manic/depressive disorder, only without the manic phase.  Without medication, those really, really depressed times are especially debilitating.

This year, in addition to moving into a depressing time of year, I'm having a rough emotional patch with changes in my family situation and changes in my life.  Seems like I cry at the drop of a hat (or the blink of an eye) and have trouble just doing basic things like bathing and feeding myself.

Depression is not going to win this war, but I worry that this will be the year it wins a major battle for a piece of me.

Monday, October 10, 2011


By some fluke of television programming, I watched the season finale of Criminal Minds where JJ is reassigned to the Pentagon.  So, that was the end of the '09-'10 season?  I had read a few things online and knew that for part of the following season, JJ was not a part of the BAU team.  Seeing it was so much more emotionally gripping than just reading about the changes in the cast.  Anyway, part of her exit interview voiceover resonated with me and I had to write it down.

"This isn't what I want, but I'll take the high road.  Maybe it's because I think of everything as a lesson, or because I don't want to walk around angry.  Or maybe it's because I finally understand.  There are things we don't want to happen but have to accept.  Things we don't want to know but have to learn.  And people we can't live without but have to let go."

My life has been full of those things, and like them or not, they've had a strong influence over who I am today.  I wasn't always so 'zen' about them.  I fought change tooth and nail, railed against injustices to me and generally hated the world. At some point, I chose to see lessons in things and make an effort to be and see positivity around me, regardless of the "reality" bombarding me at every turn.

I'm on the outs with my family.  I don't really know why.  I know what I've been told, but there's something else, unarticulated, at the heart of it.  I didn't want this to happen, but I'm learning I have to just accept it and move on.  My relationship with my core family will never be the same, and it's their loss, but it's mine, too.

I don't want to know anything about child abuse or pedophilia, and I've had to learn them anyway.  Those things in particular have taught me a lot about how strong I am and how much I want to survive regardless of the obstacles.  My experiences have shaped me, and more important to me, have helped other people when I've shared them.

My daughter is married now, with a just-now one-year-old son, and is moving to Italy with her Air Force husband.  I never thought I'd have to lose that relationship until I died, but I have.  As an extension, I've lost my relationship with my only grandchild.   That one is hitting the hardest.  I don't understand it at all.  This change can't all be chalked up to teenage rebellion or new marriage or new baby or adjusting to military life or moving to a new home/city/country, though those are easy excuses readily at hand.  So I'm attempting to let go with love and see what I can learn from this hurtful experience other than "keep your heart closed - no hurt that way."

So, last night, I cried watching those last few minutes of Criminal Minds.  Today, I cry again, thinking about why those words were so powerful.