Dear Dad....

Dear Dad,

Things were going well last year, though you were in and out of the hospital a lot. I was really looking forward to doing Thanksgiving with you - we made a good team with you cooking and me prepping. Last Thanksgiving kind of sucked without you.

This year, though, landlady and I had people over - mostly her friends, though a couple of mutuals - and it went well. I think the cornbread dressing turned out very well this year, maybe the best I've made yet. I tried one little new trick, and it was a nice touch. I did most of the rest of the cooking, too, and though it got close for a few minutes, I didn't kill anybody. I'm sure you're proud of me.

I'm hoping to be in Florida for xmas, with Amelia and Ryan and Sam, and maybe we'll make dressing and pink stuff, maybe not. It would be fun to do some of that with Ryan, I think, though. 

More important will be to get to spend some time with them, just being together. A few days last year for your memorial wasn't enough. Ryan's grown so much since the kids left for Italy, and I'm missing a lot, even though we talk as often as we can.

We never miss the chance to say "I love you," because after all the people we've lost, we know tomorrow isn't guaranteed. Amelia misses you. I do, too. Ryan didn't know you well enough to miss you, and I get sad when I think about that. You'd have been a marvelous great-Papa.

I had a bad moment last month, when I realized I was going to meet someone (or remeet someone, who knows?), someone who will be special to me, and you won't be around to shake his hand or welcome him to the family. That'll be on me, since the rest of us are so scattered about. It feels a little silly to be fifty years old and sad my dad won't be there to see me happily in a relationship, but I guess you'll see it from where you are. I'll miss the hugs, though, and the dry jokes you'd make that mostly only you and I get.

Vicky got married last month, which may be what made me start thinking about it, and I was the only kid not there. It didn't make sense, financially, to go to Seattle, but it was still a hard thing to miss my own sister's wedding. She'll have a reception/party later, but it won't be the same as being there on the day.

Anyway, things are plodding along. The depression's not too bad this year, even if I've had some really bad moments, and the year's almost over. January always feels better somehow, and I hope it does this time, too.

I hope you're happy and healthy where you are, where the cigars don't stink and the coffee doesn't raise blood pressure. I hope you're reading or writing or wrangling government contracts, whatever makes you feel good.

I'll see ya next time around, maybe. Or you'll visit my dreams. I love you.