Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Things I've Learned

Spending a week in a hotel in San Antonio made some things clear.

I miss SA.  A LOT.

Though we've been making do here in DFW with On the Border for Mexican food, it's really not Mexican food.  I miss having good-tasting, affordable Mexican food just about on every corner.  

I miss TV.  A lot.

I am fat.  Fatter than I think I am.

Doing anything that requires walking is a thing of the past.  I just can't do it anymore, not without paying for it later in ways that are unacceptable.

Driving more than about an hour is extremely uncomfortable, and by the end of two hours, is painful.  Six hours in the car was really not a good idea. I'm thankful I built in an extra day to recover before the "festivities" began.  Driving back yesterday was a big ball of notfunatall.

I miss being the structure of life I had as a military dependent - maybe that's a childhood thing.  Knowing what's expected of me, what behavior is unacceptable in public, being among other who think nothing of standing for the National Anthem, rather than looking at me like I'm crazy (which I am, but what do they know?).

The idea of being homeless terrifies me, maybe as much as the idea of going to jail.

My stepmother really doesn't like me.  No, I mean really.  She said hi to me at the graduation, from a distance, and otherwise stayed a minimum of ten feet away and ignored me.   At least I got a hug from my dad.

Being "home" again has made other things clear. 

Clearing out the remainder of the apartment is going to take longer than I have.  I will end up tossing perfectly good things, or giving away things I want to keep (like my mother's writings), just to get everything out of the apartment by the end of April.

I am going to have an extraordinarily difficult time living alone, IF I have a place to live.

I don't really like living here and want to go "home."

I'm really, really depressed, and have doubts that I'll come out of this one sane, or at least as sane as I've been claiming up until now.